My Social Anxiety Blog - April 10, 2011
Today is Sunday. I usually go to church but overslept. I've been so anxious about everything that I didn't get good sleep all week. I keep on waking up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. So today I made up for it.
The good news was that I didn't need my Klonopin to go out to Subway (needed a quick lunch for the family). I talked a little bit with the lady that runs Subway and getting to know her better since I show up there a lot. There was no anxiety there at all.
However, when I had to take my daughter to choir practice and Awanas tonight at church - I didn't want to spend another Sunday sitting there with my laptop feeling like crap. In other words, have the "head fog" or disorientation...having this just plain sucks. So I took one mg of Klonopin and right now, sitting in the internet cafe at church waiting for my daughter to get done with her stuff, I feel ok. I struck up a small conversation with an older woman (who didn't seem like a threat) but that was about it for my weekly internet cafe deal.
However, before I talked to her, a bunch of screaming kids came in and got pizza while some adults were there as well. My Klonopin withdrawal symptoms kicked in (head fog) and some loud mouth lady asked me if I wanted pizza. "Hey Mr. Computer Guy - How about you? Do you want some pizza?". Side note here - I had my laptop opened. Anyway, I said no thank you with authority (actually, I was agitated that she bothered me) - then she says, "You sure???" (very loudly). No thank you I replied back. "Your serious?" she battered back. I shot back - "Dead serious". Not sure why I said the word dead - I didn't mean anything by it and I wasn't going to beat anyone up for bothering me, but she pretty much got the message.
That's just me though. I withdrawal from most social things and I don't want to be bothered. I did notice that I felt my face getting red - but that pretty much passed after a while. I did think back about saying, "Dead serious" - like I was going to harm someone and my OCD kicked in thinking that she may have taken it as a threat, but then I told myself "Hey dude, relax. She knew what you meant. She got the point that you didn't want to be bothered and didn't think that you were going to get up and harm anyone.
Anymore, I am very careful what I say to people. I think they will take things literally, but part of that is the OCD within me - so I correct myself by saying that it's just my OCD acting up. However, the small events don't get me anymore, but some other serious events...my OCD does bother me and I start to worry. I have to tell myself to calm down and that most of my worries do not come true.
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